Flowers for Ryouji
by Seph Khan
Summary: On the eve of the 15th Angel, Shinji and Misato travel to the grounds surrounding Headquarters to fufill Kaji's last request.


FLOWERS FOR RYOUJI  
By Sephiroth 'Seph' Khan (sephkhan@openaccess.com.au)  
  
Mimicking its eight light minutes away counterpart, the Geofront's simulated sun began to set. The horizon was a pale orange in colour, and under normal circumstances I would have considered it to be quite breathtaking.  
  
But not today.  
  
Misato walked slowly by my side. She was dressed in a plain black dress (revealing more than is decent, of course), her eyes cast down on the ground as she walked. As a sign of respect, I was wearing the only black shirt I had.   
  
Black: the colour of mourning.   
  
She had finally recovered from her three-week drinking binge, and was now more sober than in all the time I had known her. It must have taken a lot of courage for her to come here today and confront her demons. I just wish I could have resolve like her.  
  
"I... is this the place?" Misato said, trying her best to fight back tears. I nodded silently while slowly lowering the full watering can to the ground. She stood there, looking down at Kaji's garden for what seemed like forever. I was starting to get worried. My mind was racing, trying to come up with something comforting to say. My experience with situations like these was very limited. As far back as I could remember, not many people had ever shown a shred of concern for me. Not Father. Not Sensei. Definitely none of the string of foster parents in between.  
  
But then there was Misato. I just wished I could do what she had tried to do for me so many times this past year.  
  
"Ah..." I stuttered, trying to bring what I was unable to think into words. I stopped when Misato began to talk.  
  
"There aren't any flowers..." she said quietly.  
  
"Well... ah... he said he was growing melons."  
  
"Oh..."   
  
It had been a month since Kaji and the Sub-Commander disappeared. From what I had overheard in the cafeteria, Father's security people had found Mr. Fuuyutski three weeks ago. On the same day that Kaji had sent her his last message...  
  
I had managed to overhear parts of it, and was able to draw the sorrowful yet obvious connection. Judging by her tears, so could Misato.   
  
I couldn't comfort her then. All I could do was run away from her tears. Using my SDAT to leave this world, with all its' troubles and pains behind. Why did I have to be such a wimp? Even now I wanted to get away from it all. From the melons. From her stifled tears. From this fucked up and dismal excuse for an existence... The only thing that kept me here was a misguided sense of honour and responsibility. I was all she had right now. There was no where left to run.  
  
It took me a while to realise that Misato had spoken while I was lost in thought.  
  
=============  
  
"Kaji... you fool" I thought, unaware that I had spoken aloud. Why did you have to leave me now? Just when we were making up for all those years of wasted time...  
  
After I had finished crying over the answering machine, I crawled into my room with the express intention of destroying as many brain cells as possible. Over the next few weeks, I only left my room to stock up on beer and snack food. Shinji tried his best to stay out of the way while Asuka just ignored me and went about her life as usual. It had worked for a while, but this morning my liver decided to retaliate. I woke with a massive hangover, made worse by the all-pervading smell of beer and vomit in my bedroom.  
  
I decided that it was time to face the real world. Stumbling out of my room, I checked the answering machine, praying that the past few days had all been a nightmare, just some gigantic mistake. But Kaji hadn't called again. The only message was from Ritsuko, telling me that I wouldn't be needed at NERV for a while unless an Angel attacked. Well, that at least explained why Commander Ikari hadn't fired me due to my extended vacation. Just before she had hung up, as an after thought, she had asked me how I was. I had believed by then that I had lost the ability to cry. I was wrong. The tears flowed like the Amazon.  
  
By then it was already mid-day, which meant Shinji and Asuka had left hours ago for school. I kept myself occupied by pestering PenPen for several hours. I haven't payed so much attention to my poor pet since the day I had first rescued him from the Genetics lab.  
  
Shinji finally arrived home from school alone. It turns out that Asuka had gone out shopping with Hikari, and would be staying over her place for the night. He seemed happy to see that I was out and about again, but when I brought up the subject of Kaji's flowers, he began to stonewall me. After a lot of pleading and one or two not so subtle threats, he gave in and we drove to the Geofront. Borrowing a watering can from a supply shed, we walked out to the grounds surrounding Central Dogma.  
  
I never knew that Kaji had been an amateur gardener. The few pot plants I had seen in his apartment were all on their last legs, badly in need of watering. I guess everyone has hidden depths to them. Looking over at my ward, I realised that Shinji seemed to be the prime example of this.  
  
When I first saw him again, on the "Over the Rainbow", part of me was dreading having to work with him. To get to know him again. Yet we slowly moved closer and closer together. I fought it as long as I could of course, but some things just seem fated to be...  
  
Like this. It was bound to have happen sooner or later. The only question was to which organisation he had double-crossed would order him terminated first. Kaji just didn't walk a fine line between NERV, SEELE and the Japanese Interior Ministry. He danced on it, pitting himself against all sides because he was Ryouji Kaji, because he served a higher truth and most importantly because it was his way.  
  
I tried to cry. But the tears wouldn't come.  
  
"I guess we should get started" said Shinji, scratching the back of his head out of nervousness. "They can't get any rain down here to water them."   
  
I silently thanked him for being here today. In the past year, I had seen him shaped by the most intense pressures a person can experience: to kill or be killed, the fate of billions riding on his shoulders. Like the parents he had never had, Kaji and I had seen him grow from a child into a man. Now only I would witness the fledgling little steps he would take as he moved out into the world. I raise my head to reply to his words.  
  
=============  
  
"I guess" Misato said. She removed her shoes and hefted up the watering can.   
  
I just wished that I were able to think properly. Just one comforting thing to say! My spirit was willing, but my mouth had other ideas.   
  
I was still a child... and a Baka, if I was to believe Asuka.  
  
Misato moved out into the garden, trying hard to not step on anything green. I'm not much of a horticulturalist, but I'm pretty sure that she was over watering the melons. She had already used up half the can, and hadn't yet gotten a quarter of the melon patch wet. Suddenly my mouth decided to work again. Pity it hadn't asked me what I wanted it to say...  
  
"You should be careful with that" I blurted out. She looked at me strangely and gave me a questioning look. I began to curse my people skills. This was the most comforting thing I could come up with?  
  
"You're over-watering them. One can should be enough to water the whole patch" I managed to say, amid a flurry of stuttering.  
  
"What makes you think that?"  
  
"Ah... Kaji showed me what to do..." Misato sighed and held out the water can.  
  
"I don't get what he saw in this" She said, gesturing to the plants... "I'm... I mean, he wasn't the farming type."   
  
I remained silent as I removed my footwear, then stepped out into the garden and moved over to her. Taking the can from her hand, I began to water the melons as Kaji had once shown me. Now committed, I tried to make conversation.  
  
"They don't really need much water, or so I'm told." Misato just grunted and changed the subject.  
  
"Did Kaji take you and Asuka here often?" I should have seen this one coming. But I didn't. I try to answer with as little stammering as was possible.   
  
"I came here several times... I don't think that he ever told her about it though. She never bragged about it... or even mentioned it." That seemed to have puzzled her.  
  
" Oh... I see" she said softly, even though it was obvious even to me that she didn't. She stepped out of the garden, back onto the footpath. I guess she's just content to watch for now. I can't say I blame her.  
  
=============  
  
I hadn't been expecting that.  
  
I don't know why he didn't share this little secret with me. No, scratch that. I know exactly why he didn't. Ever since we first met, he had had a thing for secrets. For ferreting them out and then keeping them. Well, at least he certainly chose the right line of work for his hobby. But what did he have to gain from showing Shinji this?  
  
He seemed to have taken Shinji under his wing. Why he would show Shinji, not Asuka this place I will never know.  
  
Maybe its' a guy thing. Maybe he wanted to pass on his manly knowledge to Shinji. The substitute son that he... no, we never had. And Shinji needed all the manly advice he could get. The Commander isn't exactly the world's best role model after all.  
  
"It seems that you two were pretty close..." I said, a hint of amusement in my voice. Shinji started blushing, exclaiming as loud as possible that it was nothing like that.   
  
"It... it was nothing like that! He only offered me a drink once!" When he realised what he said, he grew even redder. My smile calmed him down, and he smiled back, although a little bit nervously. He took a deep breath and said  
  
"Misato... I never had the chance to say this before, but... I'm sorry. I know he meant a lot to you." I should have expected him to say something like that, but I didn't. The only thing I could say was nothing at all.  
  
"..."  
  
"Misato?" he asked, worried.  
  
"Don't worry Shinji. You have nothing to be sorry about." Shinji didn't say anything, but he did look slightly relieved. He stared down at the ground, lost in his task. He didn't see me smile.  
  
=============  
  
As I watered what I could, I thought about what Misato has just said.   
  
Who was Kaji to me?  
  
Kaji was my mentor, as well as a confidant.  
  
He had taught me many things. About women and life. About making a decision and sticking to it. About not running away. He had helped me avoid making the biggest mistake of my life.  
  
It wasn't till he left us that I realised how much I had come to depend on him.  
  
I was out of water and have only managed to wet some of the melons. I started looking for a tap so I could refill the can. The water may have run out but my thoughts did not. As I moved over to Misato, the question went through my mind again.  
  
Who was he to me?  
  
He was my friend.  
  
=============  
  
Shinji placed the watering can under the faucet, top unscrewed. After a few good twists, I managed to get the tap water flowing. As the water began to pour into the can, Shinji brought up something I hadn't thought about.  
  
"Should we tell Asuka what happened?" He asked, taking his eyes away from the can's water level.   
  
I realised that I had been so caught up in my own anguish that I hadn't considered what the effects of Kaji's death would have on others. Especially Asuka, who had a major schoolgirl's crush on him.  
  
"I don't know... I don't think that would be a good idea."   
  
Based on what Shinji had told me in the car and what I had seen before I confined myself to my room, Asuka had become more and more withdrawn since Shinji had returned from EVA Unit 01. She had only gotten worse without me around to try and cheer her up. Not that anything I could have done would have made much difference.  
  
"But why?" Shinji asked, obviously surprised.  
  
"Now is not the time. She's having some problems of her own... telling her will only make them worse."  
  
"Oh... I think I understand" he said, though he obviously didn't. He looked out to the garden, his mind adrift. Probably thinking about Asuka, I thought. Whatever was on his mind was quickly pushed of however.  
  
"Misato!" Shinji yelped, breaking me out of my thoughts. The water was overflowing from the top of the can and spilling all over the ground, soaking Shinji's feet. Hastily I turned the handle a couple of times, only then realising I was making it worse.   
  
I twisted the handle in the opposite direction, reducing and finally stopping the flow of water. Shinji lifted the very full watering can, but not without a bit of difficulty (At least based on the look on his face). He poured half of it on the grass next to the garden patch that hadn't already gotten wet from the overflow.  
  
"We don't need all of it" he said apologetically "But it's better not to waste it."  
  
=============  
  
Feeling the weight of the water inside the can, I decided that there was enough for the task at hand. Walking over to the edge of the path, I looked back at Misato, who still stood next to the tap.  
  
"Well?" I asked her.  
  
"Well what?" she said, puzzled. I lifted the watering can up higher and pointed to it.  
  
"I don't intend to do all the work here today." She sighed as she walked over to me and took the watering can from my hand. She walked out to the part of the garden that was still dry from the summer heat and began to water it. Or at least tried to.  
  
"Not so fast!" I yelled. "The idea is to sprinkle the water, not dump it all in one go."  
  
"Shinji, I..." I ignored her plea. "Just try and do it like I did." Misato tipped the can back a bit, abating the amount of water flowing out the nozzle.  
  
"Yeah, that's it!" I said, smiling at her. The corners of her mouth hesitantly moved into a small grin. As she quickly grasped the details of the task, it only took a few minutes to water everything else. By then Misato was full on smiling as she stood amongst the wet greenery of the garden.  
  
"I think I'm starting to see..." Misato said, a faraway expression on her face.  
  
"What do you mean by that?"  
  
"Making something out of nothing. Watering and watching them grow feels... kind of right."  
  
Now that I think about it, she's right. It is kind of fulfilling. I'm not just watering the melons to appease the dead. I'm doing it to bring new life into the world. In the middle of the humanity's greatest fortress we are creating and nurturing, instead of acting as tools of destruction.   
  
I guess you could say that even in death there is a chance for new life.  
  
Thankyou Kaji. We'll keep the garden growing... for us as well as for you.  
  
=============  
  
"Did Kaji say when they will be ripe enough to eat?" I asked him as I stepped out of the garden and placed the now empty watering can on the ground.  
  
"No. We'll probably have to look it up somewhere." We both began to dust of the dirt on our feet and put on our shoes.  
  
"That's all we can do for now. I guess we'll have to come back every week now and do this."  
  
"Of course" he said. "We must make this garden flourish... for us as well as for him" This was definitely surprising, coming from him.   
  
More hidden depths, I guess.  
  
As we walked back to the entrance of Central Dogma, Shinji turned to look at me, resolve faltering in his eyes.  
  
"You haven't cried once today..." he said as he fell into a guilty silence. I know he didn't want to ask, but it had been in the forefront of his mind for a while. It took me a while to come to the explanation that had eluded me for so long.  
  
"It's not as if the tears won't come Shinji... it's just that no one can grieve forever." At that moment, something that had been submerged in the sea of memory decided to resurface.   
  
"A long time ago... someone once told me that a person can never truly die until everyone who had ever known them was also dead. And even then not to all their works had been ground down to dust by the passing of time..." Shinji nodded, lost in thought but content to remain silent while I talk.  
  
"As long as we go on... a little part of him goes on with us. Always."   
  
Hmmm... I guess words of wisdom can come from more than just the mouths of babes. Sometimes even I surprise myself.   
  
These words struck truer than I had intended. Kaji could never die as long as his legacy went on. At that moment I decided that I will not only care for his garden, but I would also get to the bottom of NERV and SEELE's plans. I will not let his memory be ground under the heel of time.   
  
But...  
  
I've cried all my tears for you, Ryouji. I have a duty to you and your work, but a greater duty to the living.  
  
Shinji still needs advice and guidance. Asuka needs love and attention. The world still needs saving. I have to be strong for all of them.  
  
I will take on your quest, but not your life.  
  
Farewell Ryouji Kaji. We'll look after the melons for you.  
  
END  
  
  
Brief Notes:   
  
After two years as part of the Evangelion Fanfiction Community, this is my first semi-successful attempt at writing a fanfic. I'm surprised that I ended up writing a drama/angst fic, considering my only other writing experiences have been in sketch comedy/toilet humour. Strangely enough, I originally planned this to be a Shinji/Misato lemon, but things I do have this annoying tendency to... go off-track ^_^   
  
My many thanks go out to my Editor and only Pre-reader, Rion. If it weren't for his tireless mix of praise and abuse I would never have finished this little project :-) If you have any comments, whether positive or of a flaming nature, feel free to drop me a line at sephkhan@openaccess.com.au  
  
  
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Legal Disclaimer: "Neon Genesis Evangelion" is owned and copyrighted by GAINAX, all characters used from that series as well as familiar plot links and scenarios. All names are (TM) and (C) by their respective owners.  



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